Denied.

Well I'm supposed to be picking up this rather rare sketchbook right now but the person who was going to sell it to me didn't answer her phone. -___________- ;

Anyway. It's coming down to the wire here. 1 week left of batshit crazy madness, as it always is, and then the pace picks up again for the next class.

I have just over a month and a half left on my contract. Perhaps it will be renewed. I certainly hope so anyway...

I have been assailed by rather crazy dreams of late but I haven't been writing any of them down. Probably stress related although none of these dreams top the ultra-lucid clusterfucks of my early twenties. One part of myself is urging me to write it down, whereas another part is simply telling me that I've already seen it and done it all before and this recent batch is nothing new... leaving me in a constant state of apathy for anything that doesn't include work.

Now I can't even be arsed to go buy food of all things. Tasty delicious food. Perhaps the choice of words I heard earlier today planted seeds of doubt in my mind - that I should always be moving forward and for bigger and better things, even if that means leaving people behind.

Geek Pride

So today is Geek Pride Day. I should celebrate by watching my favourite geeky movies, comics, games and painting my warhammerz... :D

So this thing with the lack of time.

I don't think it's the lack of... it's just how I'm spending it. Should be spending more time painting and less gaming perhaps.

Animation progress is painfully slow but the results are good. I'm sure that's what matters... haven't heard from the new boss yet - nobody's seen her so...

More animation today. Lots more. Gotta get it done.

Note to self.

Don't get jaded.

Wanderlust.

Amidst the insane levels of stress, of doubt, of insecurity... out pops this stupid sensation to reach out... touch the infinite. My mind will not rest. It circles eternally upon the inconsequential and nonsensical. Too many tangents.

Neglect.

Whoops. I really have been busy. It's been two whole months since I've worked on my film. But I re-tweaked the train interior today. Looks a lot more kooky. Next is to tweak character #1 - Noel.

I've also joined a sketch blog! Woo hoo! Something to motivate me to get back to my roots.

Still looking to cement my stay here... Now I know how fierce the competition is, I gotta sharpen up my teeth. And really find those opportunities. Especially now I've got someone worth fighting for.

Whoa...

Is it wrong if I yearn for the day where I'll actually have the time and energy to write in this thing?

It's getting more and more surreal.

That's a good thing ... getting more ideas. More dreams. Is my subconscious finally recovering from all that crap that happened so long ago?

... Last night I had a dream that all my hair grew back. I was very disturbed, as in the dream I actually liked the way I looked. So, so strange, and this morning, another student shaved his head. I'll just chalk it up to a weird series of coincidences.

The lack of sleep is making things a lot... stranger... than usual.

Message to my girl

Creative Exhaustion

Feeling so drained.  No real reason... but I guess bouncing lots of ideas around for students takes a lot out of me.  Now sitting down when I actually want to work on my own things I can barely lift the pencil.  I should just go home and eat, chill and sleeeeeep.  Oh precious, precious sleep.  Sleep early before the hammering cacophony of construction just beyond the window tears me away from the rest that is not so easily achieved. 

My mind and why it works against me...

I don't know.  Perhaps it's the effort expended all of a sudden in one day.  DCA is like ... crunch time for 6 months if you're doing the program.  It's... a different type of crunch time from the other side of the line, but it's no less exhausting. 

Can't sleep.  My brain's so damn tired but it's -still on-.  I hate this.  It happens too often I think.  Perhaps it's just some sort of weird chemical imbalance.  Lord knows I'm not the most balanced person on the planet.  Typing this out... it isn't really even helping me sort this out... can't concentrate.  Why?

Need sleep.  But can't.  Body/mind denying sleep. 

What to do.  Conflicted.  Meditation not working.  Unsure.  Just hope this doesn't blow out to become another sort of fucked up late night anxiety attack.  Those are ... really damn bad.

No, have to clear my head.  Too much to think about.  Too much.  I think the Japanese really got it right.  1 hour in the super hot tub after work every day.  Best place to meditate in the winter.  Totally clears your mind.  Damn.  I should try that I think... Maybe.

Stupid brain.  Stupid stupid stupid.

Busy busy busy

Work work work.  It starts all over again!  The madness!  The horror!  The pleasure!  The pain!  The greenhorns got a pretty good indication of the stress levels today when a term 5 student tried to get past them in the corridor and didn't excuse himself, but instead made a high pitched squealing sound and flapped his arms slightly, all the way down the corridor to the ant farm (the big lab)... Funnily enough such behavior is the normal around here, and quite mild. 

Still got an hour to go.  Tomorrow the mind-melting begins in earnest with their first full day lecture, followed by one of my labs.  Think I shall continue to melt their brains a bit more.  Add a little bit of ... 'spice' to the saute... You know it's cooking well when smoke starts to come out their ears...

Squeeeeee!

Unplug Successful...

Well.  Mostly successful.  Have been completely ignoring the Steam Holiday sale... for several reasons.  The main one being the whole laptop exploding debacle.  And the second one being that I still have a game or two from last year's sale that I haven't finished yet.  So that's good news.

On Christmas I was painfully reminded not to mix a bottle and a half of red with hot tea (and milk)... oooh that was bad.  At least I didn't make a mess, I just passed out peacefully on the couch.  I pray I didn't snore... I guess I will ask Greg upon returning to work.  Greg said he'd write a letter of recommendation for my future exploits, so that's good news.

But truthfully, it feels good to unplug.  I finally finished reading Dan Abnett's Eisenhorn trillogy.  I can see that in his earlier work he's not as accomplished a writer as he is in his later novels, and in some sections of "Xenos" it reads a bit dry.  In retrospect it seems appropriate since Gregor's character at that point is very hard-nosed, dry, emotionless and difficult to sympathise with.  I also find it interesting that only after Gregor's facial muscles become damaged so he can not show any facial expression, does his character actually show a slightly more humane side and the story begins to flow a bit better.  I must say I do prefer the Ravenor spin off trilogy than Eisenhorn, but of course, Abnett had become a much more accomplished writer in that time.

What's next to read?  Not sure.  I have more Abnett books on the shelf, a few comic books and a textbook on lighting which I should very well be reading... but I think I'll just continue to paint and listen to random music, and harden my fingertips on guitar chords (of which I only know two... sad)... and rest.

But rest has it's disadvantages too.  Being restful means not exercising my brain and body to it's full capacity.  And in not doing that... it means both body and mind have an access of energy, and sleep cycles become... interrupted.  It's 6.30 am and I am unable to sleep because I simply do not feel tired. Infuriating.  Frustrating.  I am not sure if this is insomnia or that I just trained myself to infuse that much reserve energy into it for all the professional "crunch time" my work demands from me.  Hmmm well at least I know I'm still have the energy for operating at peak capacity.  That must be a good thing.

Huh... well someone's doing laundry at 6.30 am.  I can hear the dryer going... amongst other rather non savoury sounds at 6.30am.  I should head back and try to sleep...

Brutal

I think this is the first brutal Christmas I've ever had.  I hope it's the last...

Times like these.