Thursday, January 6, 2011

My mind and why it works against me...

I don't know.  Perhaps it's the effort expended all of a sudden in one day.  DCA is like ... crunch time for 6 months if you're doing the program.  It's... a different type of crunch time from the other side of the line, but it's no less exhausting. 

Can't sleep.  My brain's so damn tired but it's -still on-.  I hate this.  It happens too often I think.  Perhaps it's just some sort of weird chemical imbalance.  Lord knows I'm not the most balanced person on the planet.  Typing this out... it isn't really even helping me sort this out... can't concentrate.  Why?

Need sleep.  But can't.  Body/mind denying sleep. 

What to do.  Conflicted.  Meditation not working.  Unsure.  Just hope this doesn't blow out to become another sort of fucked up late night anxiety attack.  Those are ... really damn bad.

No, have to clear my head.  Too much to think about.  Too much.  I think the Japanese really got it right.  1 hour in the super hot tub after work every day.  Best place to meditate in the winter.  Totally clears your mind.  Damn.  I should try that I think... Maybe.

Stupid brain.  Stupid stupid stupid.

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